And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
