Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
