I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
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