I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
if you want to know how my night is going I just ugly cried in the cheesecake factory
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
