I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Randomize
