john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
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