it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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