Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
