The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
