Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Randomize
