so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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