i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
