then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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