I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
