you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
