I think my vagina is haunted
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
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