My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
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