Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
