I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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