There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
