dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
