I think im going to throw up on grandma
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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