I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
