Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
