I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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