It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
