i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
