the new term for farting is butt boxing.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
Randomize
