somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
Randomize