I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The cops high fived after they tackled you
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
