Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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