Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
