dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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