I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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