Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
