if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
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