im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
