Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
