he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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