I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You're like the curious george of whores
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
