It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
you inspire me to be a worse person
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I need to calm my uterus...
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
