I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
