I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
