so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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