when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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