It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
