I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I would go down on you faster than GM stock
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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