my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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