My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
