you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
