I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
Randomize
