Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
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