at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
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