the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
