Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
