My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the condom got lost in my hair
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
And he tried to make it as casual as possible by asking where i was going on vacation while he was poundin me.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
