So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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