My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
it was like his penis was on wheels.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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