I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
