she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Randomize
